2019.... another 2 years since my last post here. But a lot has happened.
Here it is, March. This time of year really seems to hit me hard, yet I don't know totally why. I can't even claim seasonal depression, as I often get out in the sun even in the cold.
Tonight my youngest had a birthday party. Ice Skating. Everyone had a great time. I even gave it a try. As I stood toward the end of the night watching all the various kids skate one thing really struck me. I watched as various boys of different ages all played together and skated together and were just in the thrill of life. Having fun. Being kids.
As I stood there the thing that really stood out to me and hit me pretty hard was the sense that I didn't have the connection that these boys clearly do. A deep descent started within me. A longing. A grief of what I missed. What could have been. What I didn't have.
As I thought on these things I realized that despite the hurts and wounds I experienced, would I have been like these boys? Honestly? Probably not. Yes I cut myself off and isolated myself because of the hurts and wounds. But that being what it is, I was never like other boys. The things that interested them just didn't really interest me.
Yeah truly it took me a long time to really begin to figure the real "me" out. I buried myself in being alone. In one focus, that being video games of various sorts. I didn't know the real me or what I was even really capable of, what I really enjoyed doing. Yes that stunted growth and realization was likely the result of the hurts I experienced. But here it is 2019. I have a far better sense of who I am. I can't even tell you the last time I sat and played a video game for any length time. I don't even miss it.
Today I find I enjoy archery, and going to the range. I enjoy teaching kids a love of archery. I love teaching. I love helping other gain knowledge of various bits of technology. I love electronics. Yes I still love computers, but more from a programming and learning prospective.
Maybe many that perhaps might read this won't understand, but in looking back tonight, I realized that if not of all the things that happened, I would not be where I am today. I am today, the culmation of all the events of my life. Good. Bad. Joyful. Grief filled. Ups and downs. Wonderment and soul shattering moments alike.
I am who I am. A man created by the Great I Am. He is the Author. My Author. His plan is why I'm here. I can only realistically, as hard as it might be at times, and as crazy as some may think it is, say thank you God for the childhood that I did have.
At the end of the day, yeah it hurts, but this too shall pass. And as I can, I'll be who I was made to be, and help others along the way as I'm able.
