WHO AM I??

No really, who am I??

This is a question I've asked myself a different times throughout my life. For a variety of reasons and purposes.

Anyone that knows me, knows that by nature, I'm an introvert. One of those weird, quiet, shy people who need alone time to process, recover, and regain their energy for their next foray out among the rest of humanity.

I'm definitely a loner. Ok, even as a type that I know that ANYONE who knows me NOW and not me before will think I'm nuts to say such a thing.

Growing up I kept to myself. Definitely a quiet and shy kid who preferred time alone by himself than around others. Yeah in 2nd grade I tried T-Ball, because that's what all the 2nd graders were doing. Only did that for a year. And being the fantastic athletic specimen I was, I was placed in left field, where I spent more of my time chewing the leather strings on my glove than I did watching the game. Which of course meant that when the ball DID come to left field I wasn't ready.

At 12 I got my NES. I spent countless hours in front of that thing for sure. And I also got my first computer. A Tandy 1000 TL. The beginning of my journey into computers.

Even in high school I kept to myself and didn't participate. Going home each day to join other worlds and universes far and away from this world.

Looking back, now as a 43 year old adult I can clearly see what could not be seen then. Yes, that boy was an introvert, as I am even today, but that boy's introversion was augmented by an emotional and psychological response that led to avoidance, escapism, and addiction all wrapped up in one. Avoiding others kept him safe, at least to a certain degree, as his awkward self isolation made him an easy target of bullies. Escape into other worlds, stories, and places kept him from thinking and feeling the emotional pain and turmoil deep inside him.

As is typical of many boys becoming men, the introduction of testosterone, drove a level of anger and internal frustration. Add to that the inner hurricane of thoughts and emotions already present, and it just multiplied the effect.

That cycle of addiction and shame would continue for many years. Oh and it was definitely addiction. The need to control my situation, to be "safe" and to escape kept me going back to various things to cope with my inner demons. And yet in all of that, that young boy was clueless to any of this. He didn't know what drove him. He didn't know the true cause of his behavior and actions. But driven he was.

The addictions would expand over the years. Around the age of 11 I was first exposed to pornographic material. Soon the rush of endorphins and feel good hormones would be a go to drug to deal with fear, anxiety, stress, depression etc. BUT consumption of such material comes with a high cost, a cost that no child can possibly know or understand. Shame. Shame would then drive more anger. More frustration. Self hate. Low self esteem. Which in all would drive me to more isolation. And then a need for more relief. The cycle deepened.

In all of this, I can see that I had become extremely one dimensional. When asked what I liked to do to relax or what I liked to do for enjoyment.... all there was, was the only thing I knew, because it consumed my time and life. Escapism in the form of video games. The answer to the question, Who am I? was very short and shallow during those times of my life. Yet the shortsightedness of addiction kept me from seeing that as a problem. This is just who I was! Right??

If you haven't ever read my past writings or posts, you don't know this, so let me share some of it here again. What did this boy need to escape from? Why did he unknowingly live a life trying to protect himself through isolation? The boy that was me. That is to say, me, or I, was sexually abused for many years when I was that boy. By various people over the course of many years. By both male and females alike. The last occurrence took place when I was 13 or 14 as best I can remember. It was actually the very first time this boy ever found his voice and said NO. I said I didn't want to. I said it was wrong. It didn't matter. I was pressured, and pressured, and then raped.

Here I am, years and years later. I've done a lot of work toward healing. Most days I don't think of these events any more. Which at one point I couldn't begin to imagine a time when my thoughts and emotions wouldn't be continually overwhelmed with these things.

In my healing and recovery I've made much progress. That question of "Who Am I?" comes up now and again. I'm wouldn't call myself one dimensional anymore. Truth is I can't tell you when the last time I played a deeply involved video game was. The drive, the need, is gone. I know I told myself at one point in my life, that I would ALWAYS be a gamer. Yet now I can't really consider myself one. I truly don't care any longer. I still am into computers. I work in IT and am about to finish a degree in Software Development. Oh, for those who don't know, abuse survivors tend to lead rather delayed, and in many cases never get far in life. And for men, a huge number of us take our lives when we reach a point where our avoidance, escapism, and addiction no longer keep our demons at bay. I've found I like archery. I'm not a hunter, but I love going to the range. I've even started teaching and coaching archery. I definitely love learning. I've found in various areas I'm rather adept at teaching. Which also means this introvert has overcome his nausea inducing fear of being in front of people. I like teaching. No, I love teaching. I love programming. I love working with kids. My heart for kids who are dealing with abuse or various hurts is huge. I wish I could save every one who is struggling!

As it happens, this past weekend I was at an event for young people. 6th to 12th grade. It was great weekend. Our group had 7 young people, myself, another leader, and a 21 year old who used to be a kid in the youth group at the church I attend. Between the various sessions that filled the weekend there is some downtime. As always I would head back to my room. The introvert needed some alone time to process and recover.... but wait!!! Almost every time I instead found myself spending a few minutes there and then I couldn't stay there! I found myself experiencing not just a desire but a need to go out and find others to meet and talk to. As such I met and talked to MANY people this weekend! As crazy at it might sound, I constantly got to meet and get to know people that were already connected to me because they knew people I knew! One time I got into a conversation and was sharing about a friend of mine who had come and shared at my church recently, and when the lady I was talking to asked me his name... she replied "OH!! He's my brother!!!" Like WHA?????

So as I did finally get time to think, recover, and process my weekend, the huge question came up again. WHO THE HECK WAS THAT GUY???? Who AM I??? That's not me!!! Or is it? At this moment, I just can't honestly say. But it's definitely something I haven't seen in myself before. I enjoyed it though. A lot. Who Am I? I'm someone who is still healing, still growing, and even at 43 still figuring out who I am.

Oh, and along those lines, as I put this together and thought on things as I wrote them, I realized I really love something else. People. I love people. Getting to know people is cool. No, it's more than cool, it's awesome. Guess that little boy doesn't need to isolate and protect himself anymore.

2019.... another 2 years since my last post here. But a lot has happened.

Here it is, March. This time of year really seems to hit me hard, yet I don't know totally why. I can't even claim seasonal depression, as I often get out in the sun even in the cold.

Tonight my youngest had a birthday party. Ice Skating. Everyone had a great time. I even gave it a try. As I stood toward the end of the night watching all the various kids skate one thing really struck me. I watched as various boys of different ages all played together and skated together and were just in the thrill of life. Having fun. Being kids.

As I stood there the thing that really stood out to me and hit me pretty hard was the sense that I didn't have the connection that these boys clearly do. A deep descent started within me. A longing. A grief of what I missed. What could have been. What I didn't have.

As I thought on these things I realized that despite the hurts and wounds I experienced, would I have been like these boys? Honestly? Probably not. Yes I cut myself off and isolated myself because of the hurts and wounds. But that being what it is, I was never like other boys. The things that interested them just didn't really interest me.

Yeah truly it took me a long time to really begin to figure the real "me" out. I buried myself in being alone. In one focus, that being video games of various sorts. I didn't know the real me or what I was even really capable of, what I really enjoyed doing. Yes that stunted growth and realization was likely the result of the hurts I experienced. But here it is 2019. I have a far better sense of who I am. I can't even tell you the last time I sat and played a video game for any length time. I don't even miss it.

Today I find I enjoy archery, and going to the range. I enjoy teaching kids a love of archery. I love teaching. I love helping other gain knowledge of various bits of technology. I love electronics. Yes I still love computers, but more from a programming and learning prospective.

Maybe many that perhaps might read this won't understand, but in looking back tonight, I realized that if not of all the things that happened, I would not be where I am today.  I am today, the culmation of all the events of my life. Good. Bad. Joyful. Grief filled. Ups and downs. Wonderment and soul shattering moments alike.

I am who I am. A man created by the Great I Am. He is the Author. My Author. His plan is why I'm here. I can only realistically, as hard as it might be at times, and as crazy as some may think it is, say thank you God for the childhood that I did have.

At the end of the day, yeah it hurts, but this too shall pass. And as I can, I'll be who I was made to be, and help others along the way as I'm able.