WHO AM I??

No really, who am I??

This is a question I've asked myself a different times throughout my life. For a variety of reasons and purposes.

Anyone that knows me, knows that by nature, I'm an introvert. One of those weird, quiet, shy people who need alone time to process, recover, and regain their energy for their next foray out among the rest of humanity.

I'm definitely a loner. Ok, even as a type that I know that ANYONE who knows me NOW and not me before will think I'm nuts to say such a thing.

Growing up I kept to myself. Definitely a quiet and shy kid who preferred time alone by himself than around others. Yeah in 2nd grade I tried T-Ball, because that's what all the 2nd graders were doing. Only did that for a year. And being the fantastic athletic specimen I was, I was placed in left field, where I spent more of my time chewing the leather strings on my glove than I did watching the game. Which of course meant that when the ball DID come to left field I wasn't ready.

At 12 I got my NES. I spent countless hours in front of that thing for sure. And I also got my first computer. A Tandy 1000 TL. The beginning of my journey into computers.

Even in high school I kept to myself and didn't participate. Going home each day to join other worlds and universes far and away from this world.

Looking back, now as a 43 year old adult I can clearly see what could not be seen then. Yes, that boy was an introvert, as I am even today, but that boy's introversion was augmented by an emotional and psychological response that led to avoidance, escapism, and addiction all wrapped up in one. Avoiding others kept him safe, at least to a certain degree, as his awkward self isolation made him an easy target of bullies. Escape into other worlds, stories, and places kept him from thinking and feeling the emotional pain and turmoil deep inside him.

As is typical of many boys becoming men, the introduction of testosterone, drove a level of anger and internal frustration. Add to that the inner hurricane of thoughts and emotions already present, and it just multiplied the effect.

That cycle of addiction and shame would continue for many years. Oh and it was definitely addiction. The need to control my situation, to be "safe" and to escape kept me going back to various things to cope with my inner demons. And yet in all of that, that young boy was clueless to any of this. He didn't know what drove him. He didn't know the true cause of his behavior and actions. But driven he was.

The addictions would expand over the years. Around the age of 11 I was first exposed to pornographic material. Soon the rush of endorphins and feel good hormones would be a go to drug to deal with fear, anxiety, stress, depression etc. BUT consumption of such material comes with a high cost, a cost that no child can possibly know or understand. Shame. Shame would then drive more anger. More frustration. Self hate. Low self esteem. Which in all would drive me to more isolation. And then a need for more relief. The cycle deepened.

In all of this, I can see that I had become extremely one dimensional. When asked what I liked to do to relax or what I liked to do for enjoyment.... all there was, was the only thing I knew, because it consumed my time and life. Escapism in the form of video games. The answer to the question, Who am I? was very short and shallow during those times of my life. Yet the shortsightedness of addiction kept me from seeing that as a problem. This is just who I was! Right??

If you haven't ever read my past writings or posts, you don't know this, so let me share some of it here again. What did this boy need to escape from? Why did he unknowingly live a life trying to protect himself through isolation? The boy that was me. That is to say, me, or I, was sexually abused for many years when I was that boy. By various people over the course of many years. By both male and females alike. The last occurrence took place when I was 13 or 14 as best I can remember. It was actually the very first time this boy ever found his voice and said NO. I said I didn't want to. I said it was wrong. It didn't matter. I was pressured, and pressured, and then raped.

Here I am, years and years later. I've done a lot of work toward healing. Most days I don't think of these events any more. Which at one point I couldn't begin to imagine a time when my thoughts and emotions wouldn't be continually overwhelmed with these things.

In my healing and recovery I've made much progress. That question of "Who Am I?" comes up now and again. I'm wouldn't call myself one dimensional anymore. Truth is I can't tell you when the last time I played a deeply involved video game was. The drive, the need, is gone. I know I told myself at one point in my life, that I would ALWAYS be a gamer. Yet now I can't really consider myself one. I truly don't care any longer. I still am into computers. I work in IT and am about to finish a degree in Software Development. Oh, for those who don't know, abuse survivors tend to lead rather delayed, and in many cases never get far in life. And for men, a huge number of us take our lives when we reach a point where our avoidance, escapism, and addiction no longer keep our demons at bay. I've found I like archery. I'm not a hunter, but I love going to the range. I've even started teaching and coaching archery. I definitely love learning. I've found in various areas I'm rather adept at teaching. Which also means this introvert has overcome his nausea inducing fear of being in front of people. I like teaching. No, I love teaching. I love programming. I love working with kids. My heart for kids who are dealing with abuse or various hurts is huge. I wish I could save every one who is struggling!

As it happens, this past weekend I was at an event for young people. 6th to 12th grade. It was great weekend. Our group had 7 young people, myself, another leader, and a 21 year old who used to be a kid in the youth group at the church I attend. Between the various sessions that filled the weekend there is some downtime. As always I would head back to my room. The introvert needed some alone time to process and recover.... but wait!!! Almost every time I instead found myself spending a few minutes there and then I couldn't stay there! I found myself experiencing not just a desire but a need to go out and find others to meet and talk to. As such I met and talked to MANY people this weekend! As crazy at it might sound, I constantly got to meet and get to know people that were already connected to me because they knew people I knew! One time I got into a conversation and was sharing about a friend of mine who had come and shared at my church recently, and when the lady I was talking to asked me his name... she replied "OH!! He's my brother!!!" Like WHA?????

So as I did finally get time to think, recover, and process my weekend, the huge question came up again. WHO THE HECK WAS THAT GUY???? Who AM I??? That's not me!!! Or is it? At this moment, I just can't honestly say. But it's definitely something I haven't seen in myself before. I enjoyed it though. A lot. Who Am I? I'm someone who is still healing, still growing, and even at 43 still figuring out who I am.

Oh, and along those lines, as I put this together and thought on things as I wrote them, I realized I really love something else. People. I love people. Getting to know people is cool. No, it's more than cool, it's awesome. Guess that little boy doesn't need to isolate and protect himself anymore.

2019.... another 2 years since my last post here. But a lot has happened.

Here it is, March. This time of year really seems to hit me hard, yet I don't know totally why. I can't even claim seasonal depression, as I often get out in the sun even in the cold.

Tonight my youngest had a birthday party. Ice Skating. Everyone had a great time. I even gave it a try. As I stood toward the end of the night watching all the various kids skate one thing really struck me. I watched as various boys of different ages all played together and skated together and were just in the thrill of life. Having fun. Being kids.

As I stood there the thing that really stood out to me and hit me pretty hard was the sense that I didn't have the connection that these boys clearly do. A deep descent started within me. A longing. A grief of what I missed. What could have been. What I didn't have.

As I thought on these things I realized that despite the hurts and wounds I experienced, would I have been like these boys? Honestly? Probably not. Yes I cut myself off and isolated myself because of the hurts and wounds. But that being what it is, I was never like other boys. The things that interested them just didn't really interest me.

Yeah truly it took me a long time to really begin to figure the real "me" out. I buried myself in being alone. In one focus, that being video games of various sorts. I didn't know the real me or what I was even really capable of, what I really enjoyed doing. Yes that stunted growth and realization was likely the result of the hurts I experienced. But here it is 2019. I have a far better sense of who I am. I can't even tell you the last time I sat and played a video game for any length time. I don't even miss it.

Today I find I enjoy archery, and going to the range. I enjoy teaching kids a love of archery. I love teaching. I love helping other gain knowledge of various bits of technology. I love electronics. Yes I still love computers, but more from a programming and learning prospective.

Maybe many that perhaps might read this won't understand, but in looking back tonight, I realized that if not of all the things that happened, I would not be where I am today.  I am today, the culmation of all the events of my life. Good. Bad. Joyful. Grief filled. Ups and downs. Wonderment and soul shattering moments alike.

I am who I am. A man created by the Great I Am. He is the Author. My Author. His plan is why I'm here. I can only realistically, as hard as it might be at times, and as crazy as some may think it is, say thank you God for the childhood that I did have.

At the end of the day, yeah it hurts, but this too shall pass. And as I can, I'll be who I was made to be, and help others along the way as I'm able.

It's been awhile...

Well, it's been a long time apparently.... last post 2012???!

Ok... Laughing a bit to myself here. Crazy indeed. MUCH has happened in that time. My youngest is now 5 and my oldest is driving!!

Still feel disconnected and distant. Not sure that can be fixed to be honest. Have to find a way to manage it all I guess.

At this point I've been without a job for 3 months. 11/4 of last year I was laid off. New management (due to the company I worked for being sold) decided I was "redundant". At least that's the story I was told. I've been sending out resumes and looking for jobs like crazy. Nothing so far. Not even calls or interest sadly. People said I had lots of skills, so I'd find a new job in no time.... yeah ok. Skills are only good if someone cares that you have them. The job market presently has LOTS of people looking, so realistically employers can wait, find a candidate with the perfect skill set who they can pay as little as possible to. For me, I'm stuck in a situation where I can afford to take as little as possible. Wife, kids, bills, responsibility. 

I did have one job that someone pointed me toward, I sent my info, and actually got a call back, but it was to explain more about the position, since there wasn't a whole lot about it. I got more info, and some forms to fill out if I was interested in putting my name in for it... sadly after calculating.... I realized that gross pay was only a tiny bit more than my unemployment... and then I'd also be driving an hour one way every day, and then an hour home again... so in the long run, I'd be losing money by taking a job. How insane is that? Really sucks too because I  REALLY want to have a job again. I keep looking though and applying. At least one app goes out every day, and some days two, three, or more... yet no bites, no interest. I even got some professional help to completely revamp my resume, because I really thought that was the problem.

In another month... I don't know what I'm going to do. At that point I'll only have the unemployment.. and that doesn't even remotely come close to paying the bills. Heck, half of what I get from unemployment will just pay my mortgage, and the insurance I managed to find. So then the other half has to pay all the other bills AND food, etc....? UGH! My wife is working though, part time as a sub in the local school district. Some weeks she works every day, other weeks she might not have any work. Sadly it doesn't pay much, but it's definitely better than nothing for sure! Every little bit helps for sure. We're already planning on cutting everything cutable here soon.

So that's the situation update I guess. I am back in school, working on a degree in software development. Currently the class I'm taking is Principles of Management. I'm even in the section that deals with HR and layoffs..... Believe it or not, I find it VERY VERY triggering. Stirs up all the feelings I have dealing with my job situation. They talk about the hit to self esteem layoffs cause, and the lack of trust etc. I can testify to that. I am definitely struggling in that regard. It's confounded by not having even a little interest in my many years of work experience and knowledge. Did feel good a few times people reached out to me because there was literally no one there who knew how to do something that I did, but that's definitely in the past now.

I've always struggled with depression, anxiety, self esteem etc. Hard not to when you've experienced the things I have. I know  I'm not alone in those things. You can find lots of people online with similar struggles if you know the right place to look, but online is.... impersonal and distant. Text on a page. Like a book.

We all have a drive inside us to find someone who understand us, who gets us, who can listen and relate. Hard to find. If you have it, count your blessings. I've pretty much given up thinking that will happen for me. Yeah I have people who know my stuff, but it's not the same as being able to having someone right there, that really gets it, who can really empathize. Sadly many of my experiences aren't the kinds of things that people who have been through it, talk about. Sadly there are just TOO many misunderstandings and ignorance, so sharing usually just leads to getting hurt, or some clueless person tells you to just "get over it.", or you get a "well that was so long ago, it's in the past...." Anyone who has experienced trauma of this variety knows it's NOT in the past. A smell, a sound, a touch, a song, or just about anything else can be a trigger that brings back everything. Every feeling, emotion, etc. Yes, flashbacks. Maybe not full on, your right back there type (although there are some of us who get those), but close enough that it can mess you up for days.

The other aspect of things I'm dealing with right now, is being alone. On the days when my wife goes to work, I'm home alone, and I'm finding that it's just not good for me. Stirs up so many things for some reason. You know what they say, "be careful what you wish for.". When I was working there were often times I'd wish I was just home alone, to get away from the noise and people... because noise and people cause their own issues and anxieties... but apparently so does being home, alone, away from the noise and people. There are so many days where I'm here alone and literally find myself unable to breath.

I have had a few occasions to help people. Was nice. Simple things really. One today was a learning time for my kids. We were sitting in the drive thru at McDonalds, and I was at the window waiting for our food... and waiting... and waiting.... I watched as a guy in a truck came up and parked along the fence that is near the drive through line. At about the same time, I saw in my right side mirror behind me, some guy come whipping around the corner of the building, driving WAY too fast in a parking lot. I even exclaimed to my 16 year old son next to me, "That guy is driving WAY too fast!!" and about a second later... there was a HUGE crunch... as the guy in the truck had begun opening his door and this guy in a mini-van hit him and bent that door all the way in the wrong direction. He stopped and while his wife was talking to the guy in the truck he kept looking over at me with this grin on his face, as if to say "This guy is an idiot." about the guy in the truck. He eventually pulled up into a parking space and so as I got my food I decided to pull into one as well and got out to ask if everyone was ok (which I already knew, but it was an conversation starter), and then said to the guy that he was driving WAY too fast. His only reply was "oh.. was I?" with the same grin on his face. Anyway, I said yes, you were and retold the story I told about, about what I said to my son etc. Apparently they were somehow related to the guy they hit, so they were going to take him home and weren't going to call the police. If they had been, I would have stuck around to give a statement. I was able to use the whole thing as a teaching moment for my kids about doing the right thing even if you'd really just not want to get involved. Maybe it's just something in me that has grown out of my past experiences. Too many people see or suspect things and decided not to get involved. Not me. I've done this before, and will again in the future if need be.

Anyway, that's all for now I guess. Maybe it won't be so long again before I post again! :-)

Hurt, Wounded, Broken... Shattered...

It's hurts.

It all just hurts right now.

Anyone who has been around me knows there is something up.

Patience is near non-existent. Anger and frustration are through the roof. I'm at an utter and complete loss as to how to make it better, feel better, get better, or even just feel good for a few moments.

There's just so much going on right now that I can't even begin to put words to it all.

I'm feeling cut off and isolated from everyone and everything. Feeling utterly alone. Some people who I talk to on occasion give advice but none of it helps. I know they mean well, but truly, most people just plainly do not get it.

They don't understand the huge disconnect that happens between you and rest of humanity when you're violated to the very core of soul. They can't see the huge crevasse that opens when people you're supposed to have the deepest bonds of trust with leave you hurt and violated and wounded.

So now I'm supposed to connect with people.... people who are beyond that deep trust and intimacy barrier... but the people inside that barrier are untrustworthy.... So now I'm supposed to trust those that are out there... Yeah.... even that description won't assist those who haven't a clue.

It hurts, and unless the shoe's you're wearing came from the same manufacturer as mine, you can't ever possibly begin to truly understand the nuances and intricacies of everything that goes into the insanity roiling inside me right now.

So what to do? Where to go from here?

If you figure it out, let me know.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month

April is sexual assault awareness month. It’s also child abuse prevention month. With recent news, not just here in PA, but nationwide, being filled with stories about abused and exploited children, I wanted to spend a few minutes to raise awareness to the epidemic issue of childhood sexual abuse.

Current statistics state that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually victimized by the time they turn 18. This means that nearly 25% percent of the American population have been directly affected. Sadly though, most professionals admit that those numbers are low, because we know that fewer actually ever report the abuse. It’s estimated that only 1 in 3 ever tell anyone, and even fewer male individuals ever tell. The average age of men when they tell someone about past abuse for the first time is mid-thirties.

Sadly there are many myths surrounding sexual abuse and even sadder is that many of these myths are the exact things that keep people from telling in the first place

One of the biggest is the Vampire Myth. The idea that if someone is abused, they will go on to abuse someone else. While Hollywood and TV play into this myth on some popular shows, such as CSI, and suggest that 30% of boys who are abused will go on to abuse, studies that have been done show that this number is actually somewhere between 2 and 10%. 

Another myth is the “stranger danger” myth. The idea that all or most abuse is carried out by scary men in trench coats with vans who tell children stories of lost puppies or free candy. The reality is that most cases of abuse are actually by someone the child knows personally and trusts. The biggest percentage of that is actually the child’s own parents, then grand-parents, then other immediately family members, then extended family. From there in lessening percentages people from the community that the family and usually the community trusts as well. Statistics show that in only about 10% of the cases is a stranger responsible for sexually assaulting a child. 

Another Myth? Only men abuse and only girls are victims. The reality is, perpetrators of sexual abuse can be male or female, come from all ethnic groups, orientations, economic, and social classes. As such all children, regardless of gender or race, or other factors are equally at risk for abuse.

Children who are sexually abused commonly deal with Anxiety, PTSD, Depression, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Self-Blame, Self-Harm, Substance Abuse, and Suicidal thoughts. This list is not exhaustive. Statistics also show that adult survivors of abuse are more likely to be involved in crime and  twice as likely to be arrested for violent offenses. Many struggle with inter-personal relationships and even the divorce rate is higher when a survivor of sexual abuse is involved.

The effects of abuse last a lifetime and effect not just the individual, but all those around them. This isn’t a problem for those who are abused to deal with, but a problem that every individual in society should be taking an active role in solving!

So what can be done?  Educate yourself.

• Read up on the statistics, effects, and warning signs of abuse. Knowledge really is power and the more you know, the better of you and potentially children in your life will be.

• Find out the do ‘s and don’ts of responding to someone who may share with you that they were sexually abused or assaulted. Many victims of abuse will tell you that the response they received from those they told was far more damaging than even the abuse itself.

• Prepare to respond. Many adults freeze in the face of suspected sexual abuse. It literally is a make or break moment, because far too often the adult decides a myriad of reasons why not to report suspected abuse rather than protecting a child. Protecting the child should always be priority and as such, figure out what to do if you suspect abuse before the time arrives, so that in the moment, you can do the right thing and spare a child years of abuse.

Below is a list of sites that will help with the learning and education process and some that offer support for those that have experienced abuse and assault.

Advocacy & Education:

National Children’s Alliance: www.nationalchildrensalliance.org

Awareness:

Rainn: www.rainn.org

Darkness to Light: www.d2l.org

1 in 6: www.1in6.org

Several extremely informative articles written by Survivor and Activist Robert Brown.

http://goodmenproject.com/author/robert-brown

Victim Advocacy & Support:

Pandora’s Aquarium: www.pandys.org

Male Survivor: www.malesurvivor.org

After Silence: www.aftersilence.org

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-799-4889

 

Sexual Abuse is not a "Penn State" thing....

In the wake of what some are mistakenly calling a "Sex Scandal", I've posted a few things here and there and would like to share them with you.

First though, I want to explain why the Penn State thing isn't a "Sex Scandal". A Sex Scandal is what happens say.... between Clinton and Monika. Between people who are consenting age who shouldn't be having sex...

The deal with Penn State is a Child Rape Scandal. But the truth is, people are far too uncomfortable with that, so we gotta somehow make it sound "OK". Hence it's a "Sex Scandal". Most people out there would rather hide from bring uncomfortable than save a child from being raped. Sad, but true. This is the America we live in.

I sent a letter to the editor of my local paper. They did actually print it!!! Although, the paper decided one sentence wasn't allowable in our free speech nation, that being: America is just not a safe environment in which to tell for most men.

Apparently saying such things isn't acceptable..... Although any male survivor of sexual abuse or assault will tell you, it's 100% the utter truth... but people don't want to see truth... it's uncomfortable.... (let's not even mention that fact that being a child and being raped by an adult, male or female, is utterly beyond uncomfortable).

Here's my letter (UN-edited):

As a man and a survivor of 9 years of sexual abuse as a child, the recent news about Penn State, has affected me deeply. Shock, Outrage, Anger, Heartbreak, Fear, Anxiety, are all words that describe what I've been feeling, but they only scratch the surface of the utter turmoil hidden inside me.

I can only hope that people will put the focus where it belongs, not on a college or a game or even those who acted or failed to act, but on the victims and their need for support. One of the biggest fears most male victims of sexual abuse face is not being believed, and sadly, in our society, more times than not, they are either not believed, or they're ostracized and made fun of.

It took HUGE amounts of courage for one young man to break his silence and the shame that bound him, in order to report what was happening. More courage than I ever has as a child, as I never told anyone. Sadly most men never tell, never get help. America is just not a safe environment in which to tell for most men. Our masculinity is questioned. We're viewed as weak. We're relegated to the unwanted and worthless of society.

Yet that perception is horribly wrong. The truth is, we're strong. We've endured more pain and horror and fear than most people will ever have to face, and we've survived. We put a smile on our face and go to work, and try to pretend that nothing ever happened.

I'm proud of the progress and healing I've made. I'm proud to be part of a ministry that helps to bring healing to victims of abuse of all types, all around the world. I've had good support from my wife and many others, and that is exactly what victims of abuse need, support. The more support they get, the faster they can move forward in their own recovery.

My heart breaks for the wounded and abused. Please, put the focus where it belongs. Stand for those who have been hurt and offer help in any way you can.

I also posted a letter to the victims on MaleSurvivor.org. Here's that letter:

My heart breaks for you. I know your pain and fear. I'm sorry you have to feel what I feel and know what I know. I'm sorry people want to blame you rather than those who are guilty.

Please hear me when I say that none of this is your fault. You are not to blame. Those that hurt you, those that failed to protect you, the fault is theirs and the blame belongs to them alone.

I know you are overwhelmed with fear and shame. I'm overwhelmed with it all right now too. It hurts to hear how people's selfish and ignorant reactions are piling more pain on you. I wish I could save you from it all. I wish I could make it all better. I really do.

Please know that healing is possible. It might seem an impossibility right now and it might seem to be the blackest of nights with no light to be seen, but I've been in that place, the dawn is coming, the light is going to arrive. You will heal, you are worth the effort to heal, but yes, I know it hurts.

Know that you are not alone. Many fellow survivors, myself included, stand with you. We believe you. We hear you. We'll be there for you in any way that we can.

Anyway. At the end of the day, this situation isn't about Penn State or Football. It's not even about Sandusky or Paterno or McQuery...

At the end of the day, this really should be all about the victims, yes, the victims of Sandusky, but also the 25+ percent of our American population who have been sexually abused as children.

Awareness needs to be raised. I fear most people would rather go back to football... it's far more comfortable.

Square Peg.... Round World

While writing an email last night, I put a phrase of description to myself, about how I see myself.

That phrase being that I'm a Square Peg in a world of Round Holes.

Plainly, I just don't fit or belong. I'm different and outside the "norm".

I put lots of thought into this as I went to bed and laid awake for a length of time.

I don't fit the typical "view" of what it means to be a man. I'm not tough. I'm not strong. I'm not powerful. I'm not a jock. I'm not into camping, or hunting, or sports, or cars, or body building, or nascar, or tools, or outdoorsy stuff, or.... just about anything people consider "masculine". I rarely relate to other men at all. I stand around and listen to them talk about all the "manly" stuff and I just listen, because really, I have nothing to add. Oh it's not that I don't know a thing or two about the above topics, but frankly, I just don't care.

Who cares what jimbugga baggaman ran 830gazzillion yards to score the most amazing touchdown that was preceded by an equally amazing pass by super awesome QB Zippy Passaman!

Frankly most american sports just annoy me. It's more about money and glamor than the game and maybe that's how it's supposed to be, but frankly I have far better things to do than sit in front of the boob tube to watch some people play a game for money and get far more exercise in that time period that probably all the viewers combined get in a whole year!

That's pretty much how I feel about all those above items that are typically used to define a man. I look at em and I'm just not into them and really don't care about them at all!

I just don't fit in with the "normal" masculine crowd. Yet I'll assert to you that I'm a man. Frankly (and you can call me an arrogant SOB if you want) but in some ways I think I'm more a man than those who try to use all those things to define their man hood!

Why??? Simple, all those things aren't "manly". Sure, they're associated with "manhood", but the reality is, I know lots of women who enjoy those things to. Using said things to define you or decide if your a man or not really is stupid. What if all the women of the world suddenly decided to make those things womanly things? Where would that leave men who have used such things to define their status of manhood???

Yes, I'm isolated and on the outside. I don't fit with the rest of the group. Yes, it's horribly lonely at times. Frankly, it sucks, but it is something I can't change. I've had a few people suggest that I should "tag along" and involve myself with said things so that I can be with other men and be part of the group..... how utterly asinine is that? Pretend to be into something I'm not and pretend to be someone I'm not, so that I can "fit in"..... I don't think so. I'll be me and if that means I don't fit and as such you don't like me? Well screw you then, as you surely aren't someone I have any interest in hanging with anyway.



Did I mention it's lonely? Sometimes I'm proud that I'm not just like every other wannabe out there.... other times I'm tired of being out there on my own.