Sunday, February 5, 2017

It's been awhile...

Well, it's been a long time apparently.... last post 2012???!

Ok... Laughing a bit to myself here. Crazy indeed. MUCH has happened in that time. My youngest is now 5 and my oldest is driving!!

Still feel disconnected and distant. Not sure that can be fixed to be honest. Have to find a way to manage it all I guess.

At this point I've been without a job for 3 months. 11/4 of last year I was laid off. New management (due to the company I worked for being sold) decided I was "redundant". At least that's the story I was told. I've been sending out resumes and looking for jobs like crazy. Nothing so far. Not even calls or interest sadly. People said I had lots of skills, so I'd find a new job in no time.... yeah ok. Skills are only good if someone cares that you have them. The job market presently has LOTS of people looking, so realistically employers can wait, find a candidate with the perfect skill set who they can pay as little as possible to. For me, I'm stuck in a situation where I can afford to take as little as possible. Wife, kids, bills, responsibility. 

I did have one job that someone pointed me toward, I sent my info, and actually got a call back, but it was to explain more about the position, since there wasn't a whole lot about it. I got more info, and some forms to fill out if I was interested in putting my name in for it... sadly after calculating.... I realized that gross pay was only a tiny bit more than my unemployment... and then I'd also be driving an hour one way every day, and then an hour home again... so in the long run, I'd be losing money by taking a job. How insane is that? Really sucks too because I  REALLY want to have a job again. I keep looking though and applying. At least one app goes out every day, and some days two, three, or more... yet no bites, no interest. I even got some professional help to completely revamp my resume, because I really thought that was the problem.

In another month... I don't know what I'm going to do. At that point I'll only have the unemployment.. and that doesn't even remotely come close to paying the bills. Heck, half of what I get from unemployment will just pay my mortgage, and the insurance I managed to find. So then the other half has to pay all the other bills AND food, etc....? UGH! My wife is working though, part time as a sub in the local school district. Some weeks she works every day, other weeks she might not have any work. Sadly it doesn't pay much, but it's definitely better than nothing for sure! Every little bit helps for sure. We're already planning on cutting everything cutable here soon.

So that's the situation update I guess. I am back in school, working on a degree in software development. Currently the class I'm taking is Principles of Management. I'm even in the section that deals with HR and layoffs..... Believe it or not, I find it VERY VERY triggering. Stirs up all the feelings I have dealing with my job situation. They talk about the hit to self esteem layoffs cause, and the lack of trust etc. I can testify to that. I am definitely struggling in that regard. It's confounded by not having even a little interest in my many years of work experience and knowledge. Did feel good a few times people reached out to me because there was literally no one there who knew how to do something that I did, but that's definitely in the past now.

I've always struggled with depression, anxiety, self esteem etc. Hard not to when you've experienced the things I have. I know  I'm not alone in those things. You can find lots of people online with similar struggles if you know the right place to look, but online is.... impersonal and distant. Text on a page. Like a book.

We all have a drive inside us to find someone who understand us, who gets us, who can listen and relate. Hard to find. If you have it, count your blessings. I've pretty much given up thinking that will happen for me. Yeah I have people who know my stuff, but it's not the same as being able to having someone right there, that really gets it, who can really empathize. Sadly many of my experiences aren't the kinds of things that people who have been through it, talk about. Sadly there are just TOO many misunderstandings and ignorance, so sharing usually just leads to getting hurt, or some clueless person tells you to just "get over it.", or you get a "well that was so long ago, it's in the past...." Anyone who has experienced trauma of this variety knows it's NOT in the past. A smell, a sound, a touch, a song, or just about anything else can be a trigger that brings back everything. Every feeling, emotion, etc. Yes, flashbacks. Maybe not full on, your right back there type (although there are some of us who get those), but close enough that it can mess you up for days.

The other aspect of things I'm dealing with right now, is being alone. On the days when my wife goes to work, I'm home alone, and I'm finding that it's just not good for me. Stirs up so many things for some reason. You know what they say, "be careful what you wish for.". When I was working there were often times I'd wish I was just home alone, to get away from the noise and people... because noise and people cause their own issues and anxieties... but apparently so does being home, alone, away from the noise and people. There are so many days where I'm here alone and literally find myself unable to breath.

I have had a few occasions to help people. Was nice. Simple things really. One today was a learning time for my kids. We were sitting in the drive thru at McDonalds, and I was at the window waiting for our food... and waiting... and waiting.... I watched as a guy in a truck came up and parked along the fence that is near the drive through line. At about the same time, I saw in my right side mirror behind me, some guy come whipping around the corner of the building, driving WAY too fast in a parking lot. I even exclaimed to my 16 year old son next to me, "That guy is driving WAY too fast!!" and about a second later... there was a HUGE crunch... as the guy in the truck had begun opening his door and this guy in a mini-van hit him and bent that door all the way in the wrong direction. He stopped and while his wife was talking to the guy in the truck he kept looking over at me with this grin on his face, as if to say "This guy is an idiot." about the guy in the truck. He eventually pulled up into a parking space and so as I got my food I decided to pull into one as well and got out to ask if everyone was ok (which I already knew, but it was an conversation starter), and then said to the guy that he was driving WAY too fast. His only reply was "oh.. was I?" with the same grin on his face. Anyway, I said yes, you were and retold the story I told about, about what I said to my son etc. Apparently they were somehow related to the guy they hit, so they were going to take him home and weren't going to call the police. If they had been, I would have stuck around to give a statement. I was able to use the whole thing as a teaching moment for my kids about doing the right thing even if you'd really just not want to get involved. Maybe it's just something in me that has grown out of my past experiences. Too many people see or suspect things and decided not to get involved. Not me. I've done this before, and will again in the future if need be.

Anyway, that's all for now I guess. Maybe it won't be so long again before I post again! :-)